What do you do when you hear your five year old tell you: “I don’t want you here! I’d rather have my animals than you”?
She was upset since I confiscated her stuffed animals from her bed after warning her to stop playing and getting out of bed countless times. That was it. Something had to be done to change this late night habit of playing with her sister the moment I left their room. So I had to be the “mean mommy” and lay down the law. I explained that she could earn them back by obeying and staying in her bed each night. But tonight I was serious and firm so that she would change her wild bedtime ritual.
So although I know she didn’t truly mean it when she screamed that she doesn’t want a mom like me anymore, those words still cut deeply. I didn’t move from her bed, but instead lay there quietly praying, and even crying. I cried because I realized that this may not be the last time I would hear those kinds of words. I prayed because I know without God’s help and strength, I cannot survive mothering these two strong willed, and emotional little ladies.
At that moment, all I could think about was how I will handle my beautiful daughters? I was not even worrying about the attitudes and aggression that I sometimes face with two teenage boys and a little 6 year old who mimics all the actions of his older brothers. This was a mother and daughters moment. I knew that my oldest daughter was listening on the bunk above us. So as I began to cry, it affected her as well. Since my youngest had already expressed her desire not to be touched, I just lay their next to her giving her some space. I began to cry out to God, thanking Him for my beautiful daughters, gifts from above. Little by little, I felt my daughter draw closer and eventually touch my arm. I continued praying for wisdom, that I could be a better mom, and especially that I could show them how to love Jesus, how to love and treat others, and how to obey God’s voice. Then as I began to sing softly about God’s wonderful peace, and an old chorus about trusting in Jesus, she nuzzled up close to my neck and put her arm around me. That’s when again I realized this whole journey of raising kids takes so much trust in Jesus. It takes a lot of trust and dependence on God to love and give of myself to my children, even to my babies who were not birthed from my womb, yet deeply woven into my heart.
My voice cracked as I reached the last stanza: “Oh for grace to trust Him more.”*
I then gently whispered in her ear the words I often say to my children: “I love you. I’ll always love you. Nothing you say or do will ever change my love for you.”
My now tender and peaceful child asked me to stay longer, but I explained I needed to get a tissue. Then once I had cleared away the snot and tears and smeared mascara, I went over to stand by my oldest daughter (my first baby girl), who was at the edge of her top bunk bed listening and waiting for my next move. I pressed my cheek up against hers and told her the same thing about my love for her, and began to pray with her as well. My prayer changed slightly as I began to feel the deep desire that we would be bound together in our hearts. Just as I kissed her forehead and ran my fingers through her hair, I prayed that we could always have a closeness and that our hearts would beat together. We cried together and when I finished praying, I recalled how she had also had some moments like her sister when she was around her age. I reminded her of the times I held her tight and rocked her and sang to her in the night from the time she was 3 years old when she became my baby.
The circumstances of bonding with each of my girls will always be unique, but my love for both of them runs deep. My prayer each day is for grace to trust in Jesus, so that His love will be poured out through me to my girls, even in our broken moments. May our hearts grow closer as we trust Him together.
*’Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus by Louisa M. R. Stead
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