Heart Lifts

What do you do when you hear your five year old tell you: “I don’t want you here! I’d rather have my animals than you”?

She was upset since I confiscated her stuffed animals from her bed after warning her to stop playing and getting out of bed countless times. That was it. Something had to be done to change this late night habit of playing with her sister the moment I left their room. So I had to be the “mean mommy” and lay down the law. I explained that she could earn them back by obeying and staying in her bed each night. But tonight I was serious and firm so that she would change her wild bedtime ritual.

So although I know she didn’t truly mean it when she screamed that she doesn’t want a mom like me anymore, those words still cut deeply. I didn’t move from her bed, but instead lay there quietly praying, and even crying. I cried because I realized that this may not be the last time I would hear those kinds of words. I prayed because I know without God’s help and strength, I cannot survive mothering these two strong willed, and emotional little ladies.

At that moment, all I could think about was how I will handle my beautiful daughters? I was not even worrying about the attitudes and aggression that I sometimes face with two teenage boys and a little 6 year old who mimics all the actions of his older brothers. This was a mother and daughters moment. I knew that my oldest daughter was listening on the bunk above us. So as I began to cry, it affected her as well. Since my youngest had already expressed her desire not to be touched, I just lay their next to her giving her some space. I began to cry out to God, thanking Him for my beautiful daughters, gifts from above. Little by little, I felt my daughter draw closer and eventually touch my arm. I continued praying for wisdom, that I could be a better mom, and especially that I could show them how to love Jesus, how to love and treat others, and how to obey God’s voice. Then as I began to sing softly about God’s wonderful peace, and an old chorus about trusting in Jesus, she nuzzled up close to my neck and put her arm around me. That’s when again I realized this whole journey of raising kids takes so much trust in Jesus. It takes a lot of trust and dependence on God to love and give of myself to my children, even to my babies who were not birthed from my womb, yet deeply woven into my heart.

My voice cracked as I reached the last stanza: “Oh for grace to trust Him more.”*

I then gently whispered in her ear the words I often say to my children: “I love you. I’ll always love you. Nothing you say or do will ever change my love for you.”

My now tender and peaceful child asked me to stay longer, but I explained I needed to get a tissue. Then once I had cleared away the snot and tears and smeared mascara, I went over to stand by my oldest daughter (my first baby girl), who was at the edge of her top bunk bed listening and waiting for my next move. I pressed my cheek up against hers and told her the same thing about my love for her, and began to pray with her as well. My prayer changed slightly as I began to feel the deep desire that we would be bound together in our hearts. Just as I kissed her forehead and ran my fingers through her hair, I prayed that we could always have a closeness and that our hearts would beat together. We cried together and when I finished praying, I recalled how she had also had some moments like her sister when she was around her age. I reminded her of the times I held her tight and rocked her and sang to her in the night from the time she was 3 years old when she became my baby.

The circumstances of bonding with each of my girls will always be unique, but my love for both of them runs deep. My prayer each day is for grace to trust in Jesus, so that His love will be poured out through me to my girls, even in our broken moments. May our hearts grow closer as we trust Him together.

*’Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus by Louisa M. R. Stead

Sometimes, as I go from such a beautiful and restful Thanksgiving celebration, into the busy Christmas season, I feel as if I have just been strapped into the seat of the fastest roller coaster, and just about to be shot out onto the craziest ride.  All I can see ahead of me is the track that loops and spins and dangles me over deep water at breathtaking heights.  I am tempted to squeeze my eyes shut tightly until the whole ride is over.  Or I often regret getting on this wild ride in the first place, and begin wishing I had chosen a slower moving, less daring ride like the train that lets you slowly take in the sights around the park.

Well, on this last day of November, in my mind I can see ahead the calendar for each day of this week and this dizzying month of December.  All I can see ahead of me are full schedules of intertwining activities for school, sports, musical concerts and recitals and church festivities.   I am looking forward to these celebrations.  Yet, I’ll admit I can quickly become anxious and wonder how it will all work out, and even wish I could just stop and enjoy the season at my own pace.

That’s when I open up God’s Word and see the highlighted verse from one of the soul-searching Psalms: “BE AT REST ONCE MORE, O MY SOUL, FOR THE LORD HAS BEEN GOOD TO YOU.” (Psalm 116:7) As I am preparing for a crazy, busy Christmas season, I am reminded to be at rest, slow down, and make time to contemplate the goodness of God. It’s not just at Thanksgiving that we stop to remember His goodness and faithfulness.  May my heart continue to sing: “Praise God from whom all blessings flow…” each day of the year.

Something happened when I turned 42.  Although I hate to admit that I am getting older, there’s this thing I can’t avoid.   Yes, I have to use glasses now!  I noticed right around the time of my 42nd Birthday.  The words on the page became blotchy and blurry.  I kept excusing it as just being too tired or saying my eyes weren’t quite awake in the mornings.  And the headaches must have meant I needed more coffee.  I could get by reading by moving the page further away to adjust my focus.  Then one day, I was standing in front of my fridge starring at the family photos held with magnets there, and I had to move back to focus on the people in the pictures. However, even in moving a good distance away, I noticed the images I once saw clearly were now rather blurry.  That’s when I knew it was time to have my eyes checked.

Well, several months passed, and although I owned of a nice pair of readers, I still put off getting them out and putting them on.  Then, about a year later, when I had my eyes checked again, I discovered I needed a new prescription, accompanied with the need for wearing glasses all the time.

It’s interesting that as I dealt with my vision issues due to aging, I also dealt with another kind of blurry vision.  Due to many setbacks in ministry and personal life, I was left a little dazed and confused.  I can’t describe it any other way but that I sometimes felt a little lost.  In all the areas of my ministry life, I had usually known what to do next, or felt that God-given inspiration and creativity to teach, or sing or plan the next thing.  Then, I found myself in a fog, where it seemed that anything and everything was a struggle to plan and carry out.

I never lost my purpose or calling.  I clearly knew that God had called me and I would continue to serve Him with all that was in me.  Just as I said at that time, I will continue to declare: Prayerfully, I seek Him.  Joyfully, I thank Him.  Lovingly, I surrender to His will.

I have learned that much of my feelings are due to circumstances out of my control.  People leaving, ministries changing, friends bailing, and finances dwindling, are all the bumps and jolts we deal with along life’s way.  Despite many uncertainties in a world spiraling out of control, I hold fast to the truth that my God has never, and will never fail or change.

So what do I do about the blurry vision I experience in my life and ministry?  I continue to honor God in all I do. Even without a clear sense of direction, I can still move forward by trusting Jesus to see me through each day.  The key to clear vision in my life and ministry is that I must look through the lens of His Word.  God’s Word tells me to “fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith” (Hebrews 12:2).  Just as He first gave me vision, he is also perfecting my vision as I look to Him. The Bible also says that “those who look to Him are radiant” (Psalm 34:5).  Maybe that’s why in the midst of the fog, I may feel lost, but not forgotten, dazed, but not depressed, overwhelmed, but not panicked, confused, but still trusting God’s faithfulness. I hold to His steadfast love and those mercies that are new every single morning. (See Lamentations 3:22-23)  In fact, I am now more aware than ever that each day is a fresh start.  I literally feel, notice, await and anticipate God’s mercies with each new sunrise.

As I put on my glasses and read from God’s promises I see His beauty clear and bright all around me.  I sense He is making my life and ministry beautiful and new in His time and way.  I guess I just need to get use to depending daily on the clear vision He brings through His Word.   And while I am at it, I will also get use to putting my glasses on and accept whatever other changes come my way.

I can wait no longer. The time has come to put aside the excuses, the waiting for things to change, for the clutter to be cleared.  It is the time to press through all the reasons why I can’t begin, and just to do it.  The moment is here.  Enough with the wishing and dreaming of the day I will have time to sit and write and reflect and maybe even share some nuggets of wisdom I have gathered along life’s way.  It’s time to burst through the clouds of “what if” or “someday” and to seize this very day, this late night hour.

Who cares if the dishes aren’t done, the floor needs to be mopped, and the piles of paperwork sorted out.  There will always be dishes.  There will always be clutter.  No matter how hard I try to clean out and sort and purge, life continues on in all its messy madness.  There are days when the homework does not get done, and nights when the baskets of laundry are left unfolded for the next day’s chore.

It’s time to wake up, get over the guilt of imperfection, and discover the absolute beauty within the imperfect, somewhat chaotic mess.  I must stop and laugh with my children, and relish in the noisy play. I must absorb all the beauty in the everyday mess.

I’m reminded of the days when one of my sweet little ones come in from playing outside holding a tiny bouquet of yellow dandy lions.  Now we all know that dandy lions are weeds and really do not have a fragrant smell.  But to my children, they have just picked the most beautiful flowers and are eager to present the lovely bouquet to their dear mother.  In that moment of receiving the weed bouquet, I have a choice.  I can tell them that what they just picked is a hand-full of weeds that really doesn’t smell that good, or I can receive the gift of love as if it were the most fragrant of bouquets from a castle garden.  I choose to see (and smell) the beauty in the weeds in order to cultivate kindness in my children.

After all, didn’t my creator see beauty in His creation, make beauty out of nothing, life from dirt, and teach us to build Holy places out of hostile, broken and ruined rubble.  I’m reminded of a simple chorus I learned growing up:

“Something beautiful, something good; All my confusion He understood. All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life.”

Thank you Lord for making something beautiful out of my life!  I not only see that in reflection of all my years, but now also in retrospect of all the moments of my day.  May I simply see the deep and full and wide beauty all around me in the midst of the strife, weeds and clutter of this broken life. You have made and continue to make something beautiful of my life.  I’ll admit, at times, my life is a beautiful mess.

Stop and smell the weeds, for you are cultivating a garden of beautiful wild flowers!